We’re three weeks into Dez’s journey for love and I’m already developing an ulcer. She’s Dez now. Last week, Soulja Boy taught Dez’s boyfriends to rap and dance which, I’ll admit, is a new trick for ABC. I didn’t expect that. This week, we’re back to our roots of climbing buildings to prove we are capable of love. It’s pointless and overplayed, which is a Bachelorette staple. They manufacture ‘pointless’ like Battle Creek churns out cereal. Horribleness is my favorite part of a balanced breakfast. It’s the Bachelorette.
Dez has a dozen or so boyfriends. This week, there will be a pair of group dates and a 1-on-1 date. The previews also show us that there will be a hospital visit and some horrible acting. I suggest not reading any further.
A bunch of contestants jump in a limo to go to their group date. The ‘all guys’ limo has mirrors on the ceiling, just in case. Dez takes them to a shed to meet a team of professional Dodgeball players (sports quota filled). The Dodgeball guys have hateful looks on their faces. They’re serious. There is serious music.
What follows next is, about, 17 minutes of Dodgeball on ABC. The Stanley Cup Finals can’t even get a full 7-game series on a network. The group date is divided into two parts. They play Dodgeball. The winning team gets more time with Dez. It’s the ultimate sacrifice for the ultimate prize. They play the game in front of some people at a mall.
Dez is excited about the Dodgeball. She says, “I like to see guys in their natural state.” Their natural state is, of course, playing Dodgeball in front of a mall. This is all very productive. I read a statistic that 100% of successful marriages are built on a stable foundation of not talking to each other while one person plays Dodgeball. If you’re going to decide if you want to marry someone, you should definitely play a ton of Dodgeball and not talk to them about whether or not they want kids or have allergies.
Red team gets pumped up for Dodgeball by yelling, “What time is it? Dez time!” It’s Dez time because they ignore Dez to play Dodgeball.
The Dodgeball is intense. Michael G. says it best, “This is it. This is for all the marbles… and, what we think are marbles would be all of the minutes with Desiree.” I had to blink a couple of times because I thought Michael G. was Knute Rockne. It wasn’t, but he sounded like Knute Rockne.
Brooks breaks his finger, despite his flowing hair. A Bachelor medic comes out and determines that Brooks has a broken finger and needs to go to the hospital. It’s serious. The music gets serious. They show ambulance lights. I say the rosary.
The Dodgeball continues without Brooks. The rest of the Red team keeps Brooks’ locker intact in his memory. The Blue team wins. In the end, Dez took both teams on the rest of the date so, the volleyball proved to be doubly pointless. I had six hundred dollars on the red team so, I was pretty disappointed.
ABC takes us to the hospital to check on Brooks and his flowing hair. They sent their worst camera because the hospital footage is very shaky and grainy. It’s hard to fully realize Brooks’ pain. I try. The hospital people ask Brooks if he does drugs. It’s subtitled. He says ‘No.’ It’s hilarious.
At the post-Dodgeball cocktail party, some guy named Brad, who I haven’t noticed to this point, pulls Dez aside to tell her about his past. Brad has a son and didn’t even exploit that son. Brad’s an idiot. His son must not be cute enough to exploit.
After a struggle with his drunken wife, Brad had a domestic violence case dropped in the past. He’s ready to put that behind him to find love. It’s behind me too. I move on.
Some other dude named Chris spends 8 minutes with Dez and decides he’s built a connection. He just throws the word connection around all willy-nilly. Dez felt a connection too because she gave Chris a rose. They’re connected now, and I’m expecting their connection to echo through time.
Brooks triumphantly returns from the shaky, grainy hospital, still in his Dodgeball uniform. He takes Dez to a couch, says ‘Hi’, and then they make out for 3 minutes. Brooks never got a chance to shower so I’m assuming he smelled kind of bad. After their make-out session, Dez says, “I love our conversations.”
A couple of seconds after making out with Brooks, Dez pulls Chris over to a private concert from Kate Earl. They make out. I hope Chris likes the way Brooks tastes. I hope Kate Earl likes pouring her heart into her music while 2 people slow dance and make out in front of her.
We come back from break and Dez is lounging in the living room of her mansion, reading a book. I hope she doesn’t have to sleep in that living room. Dez, mic’d up and perfectly lit, gets an unexpected phone call. She’s shocked. I’m shocked. Who gets phone calls when they’re just lounging around in the living room? No one, right? It’s a shock. We’re all shocked. Who is on the phone? I have no idea.
So, it’s obviously an unexpected phone call because they’ve equipped the opposite line of the phone audio to be picked up by ABC cameras. It’s Chris Harrison. Dez and Chris Harrison have a poorly acted exchange about one of her boyfriends. One of her boyfriends has a girlfriend outside of the show. They music gets thundery. There’s a storm coming.
Dez’s pants are skinned colored so it looks like she’s not wearing pants.
Next up, we get a completely staged segment of television. Brian has a girlfriend back home and Chris Harrison doesn’t want him to get away with it. Brian and his fake girlfriend don’t actually exist. They’ve been hired by the show to add drama. It’s dramatic and annoying.
The girlfriend comes on the show and, honest to God, I’ve seen better acting at 3rd grade plays. It’s more painful than white people rapping. ABC has sunk to a new low. This woman screams a lot at Brian for coming on the show for the wrong reasons. Brian kinda defends himself.
There’s a ton of talking and head nodding. Chris Harrison tries to interrupt this girlfriend girl from talking and almost gets his finger broken. There’s no stopping this woman from talking. She’s a storm of emotion.
Brian was not here for the right reasons, but he’s leaving for the right reasons. He’s leaving because he’s a jerk and a paid actor. Dez kicks him off the show. Chris Harrison demands that he pack his bags and leave. Some big guy whose face they don’t show blocks Brian from saying goodbye to Dez’s other boyfriends.
One of the guys describes Brian’s deceit as “heartbreaking” and, it was. My heart is broke. I need a Bachelor medic to reset my heart.
Dez gathers her boyfriends and gives them one last chance to confess if they’re there for the wrong reasons. None of them confess anything. They’re all there for the right reasons. It feels good to have that cleared up.
I love that, on a show where a girl gets to know her 25 boyfriends by making a Soulja Boy video with them and then watches them play Dodgeball, she lectures someone about having a girlfriend.
Brandon, who is totally there for the right reasons, cries to the camera about guys who deceive women. He relates this situation to the guys who deceived his drug-using Mom. It’s emotional. ABC forgoes the soft piano for some soulful guitar. I thought the tearful display deserved soft piano, but I don’t work for ABC.
Kasey takes Dez away for their 1-on-1 date and the rest of the guys stand in the kitchen without their shirts. Kasey and Dez take a limo to Sunset Boulevard to climb a building. They act surprised that there is building climbing. Apparently, neither of them has ever seen the Bachelor before.
Kasey is afraid to climb down the building, but he agrees to do it because it’ll show Dez that he’s here for the right reasons. They have a ton of fun dancing on the side of the building. I did not have a lot of fun. I miss Soulja Boy. Dez says it best, “I think I peed my pants”.
When they’re done climbing the building, they sit on a couch to talk. This date is off the hizzah. It gets windy and their candles break. I get scared. My wife and I hold hands. Dez and Kasey jump into the pool. I start breathing into a paper bag to keep from hyperventilating. They make out and Dez says that the date is disastrous. I hope Kasey has fun watching this back.
The date ends. Thank you for reading down this far.
The group date is next. It’s the perfect chance to plug the Disney movie ‘The Lone Ranger’. It’s good because, I’ve been waiting 70 minutes for a commercial. They show footage of the movie and then act out stunts similar to the stunts used in ‘The Lone Ranger’.
Everyone dresses ‘Old West’ style and they learn to lasso and fake fight. The fake fighting is better than the fake yelling from earlier on the show. When they mention Juan Pablo, they say both ‘Juan’ and ‘Pablo’. There’s horses and… you what, screw it. There’s no point in describing the rest of this date because, I can tell you guys care about it as much as I do.
Stuff happens and Dez gives Juan Pablo a badge. They go off and watch ‘The Lone Ranger’. It was a Lone Ranger commercial. We all got played. I hate this show. If she was smart, Dez would have taped the movie with her phone to sell bootlegged copies on the internet.
Later, everyone drinks and hangs out by a campfire. Bryden and Dez sit in a tree. There are probably ants crawling all over them. You don’t just sit in a tree. Bryden doesn’t attempt to rape Dez, so she gets frustrated and attacks his face with her face. They make out. Bryden says, “It’s awesome”. USA!
Dez and Zak laugh and I laugh because they’re silly. Then, James comes over and there’s more laughing. Everyone laughs. It’s good to just relax and laugh. Then, James tells Dez about his father’s pancreatic cancer and there’s less laughing. Dez gives James a rose because his Dad has pancreatic cancer. My Dad never went that extra mile for me. They make out. I wonder if James can taste Juan Pablo?
The Lone Ranger
We’re back from commercial and Chris Harrison gathers the group for a huge announcement. Harrison says, “You’re probably wondering why I’m here because, the last time I showed up, it was to kick one of you off of the show for dating someone outside of the show”. It’s so cliché. Harrison’s announcement is that the cocktail party has been cancelled to make WAY FOR A POOL PARTY! I’m relieved. There’s been way too much shirt wearin’ on this episode.
Ben steals Dez before the pool party to make out in her blue Bently. The Lone Ranger. The rest of the guys are mad at Ben. It was about time they got back to hating Ben. He’s seriously here for the wrong reasons. Ben lied about stealing Dez away to make out in her Bently. There’s a huge confrontation. The dramatic violin guy is in mid-season form.
Ben doesn’t care that the guys hate him. He says, “It’s called ‘The Bachelorette’ for a reason. It’s not called ‘Let’s Make Friends’.” That was my yearbook quote.
Brandon pulls Dez aside to cry again. He promises to never hurt Dez. He says the word ‘love’ and I throw my remote control across the room. This guy is unstable. He tries to make out with Dez but, she pulls back. She’s hasn’t had enough time to fall in love with Brandon. He should’ve waited until next week.
The Lone Ranger
The Rose Ceremony is next. Dez wears a blue chandelier around her neck and dumps some of her boyfriends. Chris Harrison lets everyone know there’s only one rose left (because, that’s what he does) and I realize that Brandon isn’t getting a rose. She dumps him. It’s a lesson for all aspiring Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants. Wait until the road trip to tell him/her you’re in love.
Brandon swears and cries a lot. Dez tells him he’s an incredible person. She looks really afraid to talk to Brandon. I don’t blame her. They have a private talk (private, except for the millions of people watching) and Dez talks about how they don’t have chemistry. It would have been nice if they she had a chance to watch Brandon play more Dodgeball.
Brandon cries about being abandoned again. He says that he can’t cry anymore because he’s out of tears. I didn’t know that was a thing. If you could run out of tears, I would have been on ‘E’ after ‘Red Dawn’.
Next week, Dez has her boyfriends play Arena Football to get to know them better. The Lone Ranger.
Greg Bauch wrote ‘Frank Dates’ for the right reasons?