It’s beautiful and full of lizards and hope.

“Feelings have formed”- Desiree Hartsock

Read this paragraph like you’re in line for a Roller Coaster at a theme park. This recap is not recommended for people with a history of heart failure, vertigo, back or spine injuries, pregnant women, sober people, people who like grammar, people with rose allergies, or people who are here for the wrong reasons.

Dez (she’s Dez, now) has formed feelings for 6 guys. She has taken them to Madeira, Portugal to advance that love. It’s time for stock footage of people staring off into space while thinking about love. It’s time for the Bachelorette.

The horny group rides a Pirate ship into Madeira. It’s beautiful and full of lizards and hope. Drew says, “If you can’t fall in love in a place like this, you better check your pulse because you’re probably not breathing.” Drew doesn’t really understand what a pulse is.

Because nothing happens on this show and there is no content because it’s stupid, we start with annoying chatter.  A group of Dez’s friends from a previous season of the Bachelor have clawed their way back onto television to offer Dez advice on which of the men she should sleep with. There’s a ton of head nodding.

My ears bleed from the undecipherable, annoying girl talk. The ‘Sean’ season winner talks about Sean. Sean Lowe was a Bachelor. Keep up! The guys come out with their shirts off to swim in front of the girls. One of the girls has binoculars. When I use binoculars, people get mad. They ask Dez who has the biggest bleep. It’s super funny. Dez’s friends threaten to rape her boyfriends and everyone laughs because it’s funny.

Brooks gets the first 1-on-1 date. The rest of the guys high-five Brooks to wish him luck on his date with their girlfriend. Whenever a guy takes my wife out for a make-out session, I always make sure that there’s enough gas in his car and that he’s completely ready to bed my wife.

Brooks and Dez drive to a Portuguese cliff to look over the cliff. Brooks and Dez drive around and make up words that fit in a scale between ‘like’ and ‘love’. They look at more cliffs and talk about how cool the cliffs are. Dez tells the camera how cool this all is and how she can’t wait to have a good time with Brooks. Brooks tells the camera that their date is cool.

Dez says, “When I’m with Brooks, every day is an adventure”, because, when they’re back in the real world, there will be nothing but cliffs and Pirate ships and lanterns and hot tubs.

They sit on a mountain in the clouds so Brooks can tell the camera how trying to understand how he feels puts him in the clouds. Dez and Brooks discuss where they’ll live if they get married for 2 months. Brooks has a sweater draped across his legs because he’s chilly, which is a huge turn-on for women.

Clouds roll in on their mountain while they drink wine on a blanket. ABC plays ‘cloud’ music. Dez says she’s on cloud 9. She’s surrounded by clouds. Keep up! They totally make out and do that whispery ‘make out’ talking thing. Brooks is killing this date. He had a great idea to be directed by Bachelor Producers to this cloud-covered mountain.

Dez, who is on cloud 9, says, “Picture the best dream you’ve ever had, and then times that by ten. That’s what I’m living”. So, if I make this personal, Dez is eating peanut butter and fluff and making out with 10 Melissa Gilberts while watching 10 episodes of Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Dez and Brooks somehow escape a mountain covered in clouds to make it to a dinner in an alley in Madeira, Portugal. Brooks explains that he had a tough time growing up. His brother must have slept in the living room. Dez came up with the words in between like and love; stepping, skipping, running, and then finish-line. Feel free to use that scale at home to determine the progress of your own relationships.

Dez says that they’re at the ‘running’ portion of like/love. You guys, that’s so close to ‘finish-line’. They’re almost in love! Brooks tells the camera that he isn’t sure if he’s ‘running’ yet. Brooks is only ‘jogging’. It’s dramatic. Brooks takes love seriously. He takes love so seriously that he plays Dodge Ball on TV to attain it.

Dez and Brooks are in the middle of cuddly whisper talk when ABC destroys the moment with a loud fireworks show. I swear, ABC is responsible for 90% if the world’s fireworks supply. They make out while the fireworks make noise. Dez says, “When I kiss Brooks, I feel the Puf! Zrrr! Psh Psh Psh Psh! Boom!”  I can no longer remember anything I learned in school.

The dream clouds date comes to an end, like all dream clouds date must. The next date is a 1-on-1 date for Chris. Zak congratulates Chris on his alone time with the woman Zak declared love for 7 days ago. Chris has also made his love for Dez public. Everyone is in love. It’s like a Hallmark Movie Channel Hall of Fame movie.

Chris is excited. He tells the camera, “I’m excited. I’m really, really, really excited”.  When Dez arrives at their suite, Dez asks Chris, “Are you excited” and Chris says, “I am. I’m excited.” Keep up!

Chris wore his ‘short’ shorts for you

Dez and Chris get in a yacht which takes them out to the middle of an ocean, or something. Chris says, “We’re boating”. Then, he puts lotion on Dez’s back while ABC plays a sultry ‘back lotion’ tune. Chris talks about the physical attraction they have for each other. I swear my TV is 4-D because, I can feel their attraction through my speakers. I turn my fan up to 3.

They drive (do you drive a boat?) out to a deserted island. Are there zerted islands? Can an island be zerted? Did anyone even read down this far?

They eat on TV. We watch. Dez explains how crazy and independent she is. There is a ton of talking. It’s magical. Chris decides that they’re going to write a poem together. This frickin’ guy never stops writing poems. The plan is to write a poem, put it in a bottle, and then pollute the Atlantic with their words. I hope their poem chokes an Orca and PETA finds Chris and beats the shit out of him.

Chris rambles on about how he’s going to tell Dez he loves her, so we have that to look forward to. This tool is going to take 40 minutes to tell Dez he loves her. Unlike Brooks, Chris does not have the clever like/love ratio, so he’ll be handicapped with the English language.

They eat dinner in another Portuguese alley. Dez tells Chris she wants 3-to-4 kids, just some normal conversation. There’s a ton of talking and we haven’t even gotten to the uncomfortable ‘love’ part. I hate this show.

Chris stalls because he’s nervous about telling the woman he’s dated for 15 minutes at a time over 6 weeks that he loves her. Chris, of course, wrote ANOTHER FREAKING POEM. He reads the poem. America listens to Chris’s poem. It’s a good thing the 4th of July already happened because it may have been cancelled by Chris’s poem if this episode aired last week. Chris finally tells Dez he loves her and they make out over their dinner. There’s loud slurping while the Bachelorette band jams an appropriate ‘Chris loves Dez’ tune. They walk and make out more. Their microphones are strategically placed directly under their salivary glands. Their slurping is louder than machine gun fire. Chris and Dez talk about how much they like making out with each other. Then, they make out more.

That date took four years off of my life.

Michael gets the next 1-on-1 date. Three 1-on-1 dates! This show has no rules! Dez tells the camera that she’s excited about her date with Michael. When she walks up to greet Michael, she asks, “Are you excited?” and he says, “Yeah, I’m excited” and she says, “I’m excited too!”  I thought you should know everyone’s level of excitement for this date.

They explore Portugal, which is not in South America. Michael likes Dez. I’m not sure where his level of like is. They should keep a like/love meter on the bottom of the screen.  Michael says, “If you were on a scavenger hunt for a perfect woman, and there were a list of 47 criteria you had to meet to find that perfect woman, Desiree has 48”. First of all, Michael, she’s Dez now. Second of all, you set forth a predetermined scale of numbers and then you couldn’t stay within that scale. Why set a scale to begin with, Michael? What kind of sense does that make? This show has no rules.

They sit near a waterfall to make out. Then, they jump in a man-powered toboggan. Dez screams the whole time. She tells the camera how exciting Michael is to be with, because, of course, real life is full of toboggan rides.

Michael compares love to a wild toboggan ride. I don’t think love is ever thrown down a hill by a pair of Portuguese men, but I’ll admit that I don’t know everything about love.

Dez is worried that Michael isn’t vulnerable enough. He’s composed zero poems so… you know… duh?

Michael and Dez talk about how much fun their date is. They drink and eat on TV. There’s a ton of talking. Michael talks about how rough he had it growing up. His brother had to sleep in the living room. Michael tells Dez what he wants written on his tombstone. I did not make that last sentence up.

Michael tells a story about his past girlfriend announcing on Facebook that she had a new guy. I’m really glad I never dated a woman in the age of Facebook because, you girls is crazy #crazy! Michael talks more about how great Dez is. Dez says that Michael is one of the greatest guys she has ever met. Good thing she’s dating a bunch of her favorite men.

They finish eating and walk down to watch a Portuguese woman sing while ABC rolls out Portuguese B-roll. All in all, the date was a 47-out-of-47.

Drew and Zak have the next date. It’s a dreaded 2-on-1 date, which means someone gets dumped after they eat dinner. There’s a ton on the line. The winners this week get to take Dez back to be horribly embarrassed by their families.

Drew is super nervous about his date. Cameras show Drew on a balcony, thinking about the consequences. It’s the kind of gripping, behind-the-scenes footage that Bachelorette fans have come to expect.

Zak says that he’s 100% in love with Dez. At least HE knows how to do Math. Dez takes her two boyfriends to a Race Track to race go-carts. The guys talk about how sexy Dez looks in her go-cart. Most of my sexual fantasies place women inside of go-carts.

ABC gives us 4 minutes of thrilling go-cart footage. The sports quota has been destroyed, 100%. Dez, Drew, and Zak talk about how exciting riding go-carts is. Dez suggests a race between Zak and Drew. The winner gets a surprise. I bet it’s fireworks.

The go-cart race is… I don’t know. I passed out for a few minutes because of all the go-cart excitement. Seriously guys, consult your Doctor before watching the Bachelorette. You have no idea.

Zak wins. Dez Is super impressed. I know, before I asked my wife to marry me, I made her go-cart race another woman to make sure she was the one.

Dez, Zak and Drew drink wine in the infield of the go-cart track. Some poor Bachelorette interns had to set up pillows and a blanket. It looks completely comfortable.

The guys take turns walking Dez away from the track to talk and make out. Because he won the race, Zak gets first dibs on the tonsil hockey. (That was the surprise!) Zak pulls out a sketch pad of their dating history. It’s a giant sketch pad and Zak wasn’t just carrying it around, so I’m sure the pillow interns had to hold it until the right moment. Dez thanks Zak for the sketches by slurping all over his mouth.

Drew takes Dez away next to talk and make out. Drew plans on telling Dez he loves her. Last week, ABC acted like Drew had a deep, dark secret to confess. He didn’t. ABC is a tease.

They talk and there’s talking. Things get awkward as Drew tries to build up the courage to say the ‘L’ word. I don’t know what he’s worried about. Dez hears about a guy loving her every 20 minutes. At this point, she’ll probably be bored to hear it.

Drew tells Dez about his mentally handicapped sister. He makes Dez promise she’ll go to pick up his sister back at his hometown. Dez agrees, even though there’s a 50% chance she dumps Drew in 7 minutes. Drew tells Dez he loves her and they make out. While they’re slurping, Drew says, “I’ve fallen for you”. We know this because ABC provides subtitles.

With her breath still reeking of both men, Dez gives out her rose. She gives it to Drew. Zak sits on his cushions and smiles about how Drew got his rose. I guess he didn’t get dumped. I screwed up. He still has a chance at the Rose Ceremony. It must be comforting for Zak to know that, even if he does get a rose later, Dez still doesn’t like him as much as she likes Drew. He must only fit 28-out-of-47 criteria.

Does anyone enunciate as well as Jan, the Toyota girl? I think I love her. I’m, at the very least, jogging.

Chris Harrison trots out for a pointless interview with Dez. They recap the things we have just watched. Dez tells Chris Harrison that Drew is the best looking guy she has ever met. I’ve never met Drew so I can’t comment. Harrison brings up Brooks and Dez start to cry. She admits she’s in love but Brooks didn’t say he loves her SO SHE’S SCARED AND I’M SCARED AND AMERICA IS SCARED. Because Chris Harrison cares about Dez, he shows her all of the video footage of Brooks to help her determine whether or not he’s sincere. Oh, wait. They don’t do that.

Don’t fall for this ‘Brooks’ crap, by the way. ABC is making you think that he’s already won to make the finale dramatic. Nothing has been determined yet. This show has no rules.

The Rose Ceremony is next. ABC cameras capture the guys packing their bags. They’re either dumped, or taking Dez to meet their families. I can almost taste the end of this horrible season of the worst show on television.  Dez gives a speech about how excited she is. Apparently, none of the guys have been paying attention, or else they would have already known how excited she was.

Dez dumps Michael. It’s emotional. They sit on a bench so Dez can cry and tell him how she thinks the world of him. She sure is having trouble showing that.

Michael handles it like a pro. He says that no girl will ever match up to Dez. I wonder if he’ll write anything about this on his tombstone. Dez walks Michael to his Bachelorette limo so he can act confused in front of the cameras. Michael does not cry… until he’s alone in the limo. It’s a strong move. Ladies and Gentlemen… your next Bachelor.

Michael calls his Mom from the limo to tell her that he’s been dumped. If this guy isn’t the next Bachelor, I’ll eat a handful of dimes.

Next week, families grab their 15-minutes of fame and bearhug it into submission. It’s Hometown Date week. While the credits roll, Michael and Dez eat fruit. That’s how I want to remember him, eating fruit.

Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and he can’t believe you read down this far.

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