We’ve reached a critical juncture in Andi Dorfman’s love life. It’s like when you’re in a bomb shelter after Armageddon and you’ve just ran out of beans. Four contestants remain in this season of ‘The Bachelorette’. Andi will visit each hometown of her four boyfriends. It will be very dramatic and incredibly boring.
Hometown date week is the worst of all the weeks. You know how, when you’re at the doctor’s office and you have to wait in the second room with no magazines and you don’t have any pants on? That’s what hometown date week is like. It’s the worst part of the worst thing. If the Bachelorette is poo, hometown date week is the chime.
I can’t believe you’re still reading this.
Andi’s first visit is Milwaukee. She visits Nick, who still hasn’t told Andi that he loves her yet. What a slow mover. He’s been dating her for days. It’s like he’s not even trying.
Andi and Nick wear cheese on their head and visit a brewery. Andi has never been in a brewery. I’ve never been in pants that tight, so Andi and I would have a lot to talk about.
They drink beer. One of the beers is labeled as ‘Nick and Andi’. I’m guessing it’s bitter, artificially flavored, and only has a shelf life of 30 minutes. The happy couple dances a polka. Nick says, “It’s the first time she can see me in my element.” I guess Nick is just constantly hanging out in breweries and dancing polkas.
Next, we meet Nick’s huge family. He has 10 brothers and sisters. I’m not sure how everyone breathes comfortably. Nick’s family seems nice. I love them. (See? How hard is that, Nick?) We’re minutes into hometown date week and I’m already more bored than I am in church. Nick’s sister says that Andi seems real. So, Andi isn’t a hologram.
One of Nick’s sisters talks to Andi. They talk and there’s talking. Nick used to be engaged. Nick’s sister talks about the positives of failed engagements. I take notes.
Some little girl in the house has this whole piece of notebook paper filled with questions for Andi. I guess this is Nick’s little sister. ABC plays adorable kid music.
Andi is asked what she likes most about Nick. She doesn’t answer “abs”. Andi explains emotions and mental connections to the little girl. I hope ABC shows us footage of this little girl watching Andi and Nick sucking face in a hot tub next week. I hope, while Andi is dry humping Nick, ABC plays that same adorable kid music.
The little girl asks Andi if she would choose a hot guy or an interesting guy. Andi lies.
Nick sits down with his mom, the breeder. While talking about Andi, Nick starts to cry. 5 points. When Nick cries, Nick’s mom cries. There’s a bunch of crying. I hold it together by concentrating on how bored I am.
Nick’s parents give Andi their blessing to marry their son after the hours spent together.
The hometown tradition of making out in the driveway after a hometown date lives on. Andi and Nick slurp good while whispering crap. Nick doesn’t tell Andi that he loves her. Nick is an idiot.
Chris the farmer has the next hometown date. They’re in Arlington Iowa. Arlington has a population of 758. If you count porn bots, I have more Twitter followers than that. Chris said in the past that there are no mimes in Iowa. Chris is wrong. You can rent a mime.
I’d rent a mime. Does Iowa have any district attorneys? They’re probably more expensive to rent.
Chris isn’t wearing a ridiculous scarf or pink shorts for their hometown date. I don’t even recognize him. Chris has a huge house where he lives by himself. It’s kind of creepy. I don’t know why a single guy owning a big house is creepy, but it is to me. I feel, for single guys, big houses are ideal for cadaver storage.
Chris the farmer shows Andi his tractor and she says, “Shut up.” It is a nice tractor. They drive the tractor around. It gives us a real feel for his every day life. Andi says, “He’s the hottest farmer ever.” I’m not confident in that assumption. I’ll need to power rank hot farmers. The website hotfarmers.com is currently up for sale and non-operational so, until someone does the work, we’ll never really know.
Andi sits on Chris’s lap while they farm. She says, “Everything is massive about him”. I’m sure Nick’s family is having fun explaining the innuendo to his little sister.
We’re still on the farm. Keep up! Chris and Andi sit in a hay field and talk about life. Chris wants to keep farming. When Andi wonders aloud what she’d do in Iowa, Chris says, “There’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” It’s a really romantic thing to say.
Andi is open to lawyering in Iowa. She’s not just a city girl, you guys. She’s super Tomboyishy. I can already see her on all fours, chasing down mice and biting their heads off.
While they continue to sit in the hay or corn or whatever, a plane flies over head with a banner that says, “Chris Loves Andi”. What are the chances of that flying by as a Chris sits in the field with an Andi? I guess Chris planned it. He’s super romantic. He could have burned Andi’s name into his corn, but that would have lowered the country’s corn supply. I wouldn’t want to pay more for corn just because Chris the farmer loves Andi.
Andi says, “Without a doubt, it’s the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done.” I mean, Chris wasn’t flying the plane. He just paid a guy. It’s not like he made the sign. I think the most romantic thing you could do would be to feed a deer a diamond ring and then have your girlfriend shoot the deer while you’re out hunting and then she carves out the deer’s spleen to eat it fresh after the kill and she totally ends up with the diamond ring in her mouth and she’s all “what’s up?” and you’re all “would you marry me?”
But sure, a plane sign is romantic too.
As Chris the farmer leads Andi into his family’s home, he says, “This is a cereal moment.” I think he really said ‘surreal’, but I like the idea of a ‘cereal’ moment.
Chris’ family laughs a lot. There’s a ton of laughing and talking. It’s revealed that Chris the farmer didn’t wear underwear on the weekends. It’s super fun knowing that. I don’t even wish that I was anywhere else on earth. I can barely take how much fun we’re all having. I say a private prayer, asking God not to allow masked men to break into my home and jam skewers into my ears to stop my brain from working.
Chris’ mom offers Chris some sage advice about relationships and marriage. She tells Chris how hot she was for his father when she watched him jump off of his tractor. I’m not making that up. Chris’ mom hopes that Andi desires her son and his tractor ways. Chris’ mom tells Andi how beautiful their kids would be if she and Chris had sex. She points out how tough Andi appears and how Andi would be good at farming and kid-having. They hug. It’s really sweet.
Chris’ mom tells Andi that she loves her. Boy, I’ll bet Nick feels stupid. He’s been dating Andi for days and he can’t even tell her he loves her.
After that, Chris’ family plays hide and seek… on their farm. Don’t these people have an X-box? Chris explains what hide and seek is. I take notes.
Chris hides and Andi amazingly finds him immediately. I’m guessing she just saw the 5 camera guys and the guy with the flood light video taping Chris hiding behind his farm equipment. They make out behind the farm equipment. The farm equipment looks like a giant washing machine. I’ll bet that’s where they wash the corn.
Farming looks easy and sultry. There’s a lot of sitting around in fields, playing hide and seek, making out behind farm equipment and baby-making. You know, I could have been a farmer? That’s a line from ‘The Natural’. Sports quota filled, kind of. No one is reading this.
Chris says that his hometown date was “beyond words.” He then uses words to describe the date. Chris the farmer is a liar. The date was well within words. It was worthy of words. The words were worthy.
Chris the farmer’s hometown date was a ton of fun. I wish someone took a picture of me watching Chris the farmer’s hometown date so I could put it on my bookshelf next to the picture of my ride on The Viper roller coaster. I get through the entire date. No one breaks into my house and stabs me, so I guess I’ll watch the next hometown date.
Josh the baseball player gets the next hometown date. We’re in Tampa Bay. Keep up! Josh tells the camera that he wants to find love. It’s a good idea, when you want to find love, to go on a Reality TV show. Just like, when you want pizza, you should jump into a lake. I mean, it’s possible you’d find pizza in a lake. It’s not impossible.
Josh takes Andi to a baseball diamond… because he’s a baseball player. Andi is wearing Chris the farmer’s pink shorts.
Josh says that it’s a big deal to take Andi to the baseball diamond because baseball is in his past and it’s emotionally difficult. Andi doesn’t care about all that because she’s super turned on by his baseballedness. They make out on home plate. Josh totally rounds third and goes for home. There’s a ton of innuendo.
My ‘I like to Make Fun of the Bachelor’ Facebook group had fun with baseball innuendo. Some of the better entries:
“Think he will charge the mound?”
“Hope he doesn’t blow the save”
“He wants to balk her.”
“He wants to throw her a knuckle ball.”
“Bet he wants her to choke up on the bat a bit more.”
We have fun.
Andi hits some baseballs. She hits one hard and breaks the bat. Insert your own innuendo. Andi and Josh take a timeout from baseball to talk about Josh’s brother who is entering the NFL as a quarterback. Josh is concerned about his brother. He was drafted in the fifth round by the Chiefs. I’m concerned about him too. The Chiefs are terrible. Burn!
Andi enters Josh’s house to meet his family. As per usual, it’s a really nice house because we do not accept poor people as Bachelor/ Bachelorette contestants. You better make bank if you want roses.
Josh cries when he sees his family. It’s emotional… and boring. Josh’s brother Aaron talks about his NFL prospects and not Andi. Cameras are there to capture Andi moments, not stupid Aaron NFL moments. No one is talking about Andi!! She will not be ignored. Keep up, Josh family!!!!
Josh’s mom finally gets her act together and talks to Andi. She says that Josh loves Andi. She uses no baseball/ sex innuendo so it’s a bit hard to understand.
Andi is overwhelmed by the togetherness of Josh’s family. She isn’t interested in going to football games to watch Aaron on Sundays. She’s more into corn and District Attorneying. I don’t see this being a match. Josh is totally blowing this by having a family. What an idiot.
Josh’s mom tells him that he deserves the love he feels for Andi. Josh cries again. This guy cries as much as he does sit-ups. Andi plays football in the yard with Josh’s family. She’s terrible at it. The Chiefs probably wouldn’t draft her until the sixth round. Burn!
Marcus has the last hometown date. They’re in Texas. Marcus drives Andi in his Mercedes to a strip club. Marcus strips for Andi for some reason. There’s a lot of chest and cheeks. It’s incredibly awkward. I have no idea why any of this is happening, especially the part about me watching it. I hope Nick’s little sister is enjoying the sexy sailor strip show.
When clothes are put back on, Marcus and Andi talk on a patio. Marcus admits that he’s only brought home one woman before. Andi says, “Stop it!” That’s a thing she says. There’s still time to buy my ‘Stop it!’ t-shirts.
Marcus’ family is super excited to meet Andi. They don’t say “stop it!” so I guess they can’t be too excited. A little girl made Andi a bracelet. It’s a cheap gift because it’s not even real. Andi acts like she likes it. I’d be insulted.
Marcus’ sister pulls Andi aside to talk about Marcus’ capacity for love. It is great. Marcus’ sister is concerned about his great capacity for love. To use baseball jargon, I’d say that Marcus’ capacity for love “goes into extra innings”. He’s a Major League lover.
Marcus’ brother pulls Marcus aside. He says, “I haven’t seen you this Goo Goo for a girl in awhile.” He uses the words Goo and Goo without referencing the band. At least it wasn’t boring.
While speaking of his love for Andi and his troubled past, Marcus starts to cry. He had a troubled past with an abusive father. Marcus and his brother hug. It’s emotional. To use a baseball analogy, it’s like Kirk Gibson’s 1988 Game One World Series home run.
Andi talks to Marcus’ mother. She accepts Andi into their family. To use a baseball term, she has drafted Andi onto her baseball team in the fifth round of the baseball draft. Are you enjoying the baseball thing, or am I striking out? You guys are jerks.
Marcus tells Andi, “You make me happy beyond words.” He then uses words to describe said love. These guys do not know the words they are using.
They make out in the driveway. It’s a short, slurpy make-out. Marcus loves Andi. He didn’t rent a plane to declare it or anything, but he loves her. To put it in baseball terms, his love has a 3 and a half game lead on the Padres in the A.L. West.
Before the Rose Ceremony, Andi and the rest of the crew learn the news of Eric’s death.
Eric was an explorer and contestant who lasted three weeks this season. Shortly after leaving the show, he died in a paragliding accident. Andi learned of the death tonight, during the taping of the 8th episode. Chris Harrison invites the group into his apartment or hotel room or something. It’s super awkward. Everyone is wearing very casual clothing. There are no scarves.
Chris Harrison breaks the news slowly and gently and awkwardly. What follows is four solid minutes of people covering their faces with their hands. Shortly, the room fills with a bunch of people all sobbing and hugging. My wife says, “Who are all of these people?” I have no answer. This show has no rules.
It’s a stationary camera shot of people sobbing. This doesn’t need to be televised. This show is such a bastard. Fresh off of his death announcement, Chris Harrison sits Andi down for a one-on-one. He explains how life happens. I take notes.
There’s more sobbing. Because Chris Harrison cares about Andi, he allows Andi to skip the rose ceremony to grieve the loss of her ex-boyfriend. Just kidding, they make her go through with it because… ratings.
Of course, Andi does not make it through the rose ceremony without breaking down again. Chris Harrison tells her that she doesn’t have to be strong for everybody. I’m going to need her to be strong for me. If she doesn’t dump someone, the show might last an extra week.
Andi collects herself and goes on with her dumping duties. It’s tough. She can barely smile while dumping Marcus. Boom! Marcus is gone! I seriously make ‘out-loud’ noises. I thought for sure Josh the baseball player was gone. I had already pre-written how he’ll get to go to Chiefs games now. Holy cow! This was shocking. To put it in baseball terms, this was fucked up.
Andi walks Marcus out to a bench to continue dumping him. They do not make out. Marcus says that he doesn’t know what to say. Incredibly, he doesn’t follow that up with words. He really didn’t know what to say.
Fresh off crying for Eric, Andi cries a bunch for Marcus. Marcus cries. There’s a ton of crying. Can you tell from my words how much crying there is? Dump a bunch of water on your computer screen. That will give you an accurate description of the tears. There’s some snot too, so wipe a little snot on your computer. I hope you’re not reading this on a work computer.
Marcus (Wow! Still can’t believe it was Marcus!) Marcus gets into his confessional limo to cry more. I’m giving him 20 points for all of this crying. Marcus still wants to find love. Still!
Marcus regrets telling Andi that he loves her. I’d regret that too. He’s doing a great job of auditioning for his role as the next Bachelor. There’s no chance this guy isn’t the next Bachelor. He’ll be handicapped by his ability to speak English and respect women, but he’ll be a fine, boring Bachelor.
Next week, tons of sex. Andi is gonna get it on with her three remaining boyfriends in the Fantasy Suites. To put it in baseball terms, it’s a three-game series and she’ll bat, like, .400.
A bunch of people have Chris the farmer, Josh the baseball player and Nick on their Fantasy teams, so we’re going to have to figure out a tie-breaker. I’ll keep you posted. Check the standings here. Sorry about my recaps.