Have you ever poured delicious cereal into a bowl only to discover that you only have enough milk left to cover 12% of the total mass of your cereal? That is how Andi Dorfman feels right now with only 3 boyfriends. Having three boyfriends is like being down to one kidney or one grandma. It’s pathetic.
After a super exciting hometown date week in which we saw the tragic dumping of Marcus, we travel to the beautiful Dominican Republic. The Dominican Republic is very nice, but I’ve been there. I feel like ABC is cutting corners. They should never go somewhere I’ve been.
Andi will have sex with her three suitors in private Fantasy Suites with no cameras in an attempt to find out with which one she’d most like to enter into a six month relationship. This will be the most dramatic thing that has ever happened. It’s the Bachelorette.
On the last Bachelor season, Andi went into a Fantasy Suite with Juan Pablo and he said or tried something horrific to her. We’re hoping for a repeat of that. The preview for the show tells us there will be a lot of Andi crying, so there’s that to look forward to. She also complies with her contract by telling us how the Dominican Republic is the perfect place to be in love. It is, you guys. When I was there, I kept falling in love. They had to blindfold me.
Nick V, Chris the farmer and Josh the baseball player remain as game show contestants. Andi walks around her hotel room and writes in a notebook while cameras capture her writing in a notebook. It’s not the least bit weird or creepy. I have roughly six hours of camera footage of my wife writing in a notebook. We watch it every Saturday and just smile.
As she rambles on about her journey, ABC shows us footage from the season we’ve already watched. Andi highlights the things about her boyfriends that she likes. It’s awesome they way I get to watch things again that I very much hated watching the first time. It’s like when you accidentally drink spoiled milk and then put it back in your fridge so you can accidentally drink it again the next day.
We see Josh talking in almost complete sentences, Andi sitting on Chris the farmer’s lap while they drive a tractor and Nick V being here for the right reasons. It’s super right reasonedy. My idiot computer doesn’t think that ‘reasonedy’ is a word. When will those idiots at Hewlett Packard learn?
We’re 11 minutes into the show and the only new thing we’ve seen is Andi writing in a notebook. How is there war in a world where this beautiful show exists? How is it that people raise their hand to commit violence and not think to themselves, “Andi Dorfman is finding love! How could I possibly hate?” I don’t have all of the answers.
We’re finally ready for content. Andi is getting ready for her first date with Nick. Cameras capture her applying makeup. She GETS INTO A HELICOPTER!!!! BOOM! Nick accompanies her in her helijourney, so he gets 10 points.
Andi and Nick are in their helicopter looking over the Dominican. We see algae in the ocean shaped like hearts. I would not be surprised to find out that poor Bachelorette interns had to trim the algae into heart shapes. How much college credit do you get for carving algae into hearts?
Andi and Nick land on their own private island. I wasn’t sure how cool it was until Andi told me by saying, “This is frickin insane!” So, it’s insane.
Andi and Nick take their shirts off to go swimming in the ocean. If you’re new to the show, “swimming” means “slurpy makeouts”. They get in a ton of kisses. When they’re done fighting plaque, Andi and Nick sit on the sand and talk about Nick’s parents and his past relationships. I turn up the volume on my TV because I refuse to miss a single moment of it.
Nick goes into detail about a time he was dumped. Some girl dropped the hammer and he took it hard. He cried. He doesn’t get points for crying back then. It was pre-Bachelorette crying. It’s kind of like how College Football players don’t get paid. Sports quota filled.
Nick still hasn’t told Andi that he loves her. He’s the biggest idiot ever. The more he puts off telling Andi he loves her, the harder it is for him to tell her. The music tells us how serious it is as he tries to spit out the words, “I love you.” He’s like the Fonz trying to say, “I was wrong”. Only 4% of my readers will get that reference because I’m old.
Andi and Nick snorkel without tidings of love changing hands. Later that night, they eat dinner on the beach in front of cameras. He again struggles to tell about his love feeling. Nick is wearing hot pink pants. Should I be wearing pink things? I’m not completely against it. I just don’t know.
Nick pulls out a book he wrote. It’s a fairy tale type story where Andi is the main character, looking for love. Nick stole this story line from ‘The Bachelorette’. I hope they sue him for copyright infringement. The book is super long. It just keeps going. ABC makes us sit through the entire thing. He even writes down the part of Andi choosing whether or not to invite Nick into a magical Fantasy Suite.
On cue, Andi pulls out Chris Harrison’s personal invitation for them to have sex with each other. If you’ve never seen the show before, Host Chris Harrison actually gives the couples a card and a key, inviting them to go into a super romantic room to rub abs. It’s a Bachelorette tradition. Andi invites Nick and he accepts. Nick tells Andi he loves her. It’s very easy to tell someone you love them before they agree to have sex with you. I’ve never done it, because it’s douchey.
They make out after Nick’s love declaration. They do that slurpy whispering thing. He tells her he loves her six hundred more times. For a guy who had trouble saying it four minutes ago, he’s certainly come around. The making out is so loud. Does ABC really have to keep their microphones at full volume for the slurping? We could get the picture at half volume.
Andi pulls Nick V. into their Fantasy Suite so they can have sex with no cameras in the room. No one can witness the sex. Except Claire’s dad.
We move on to Josh’s date. Keep up! Josh and Andi hug in the Dominican streets. Josh speaks a ton of Spanish. Spanish is a lot like Dominican, I think. Andi is impressed. They walk the streets and dance. It’s exhilarating.
After watching them dance, we watch them watch kids play baseball. It’s more exhilarating. The kids pull the two young lovers onto the field to play baseball. I’m sure these kids are thrilled these two hornballs are busting up their baseball party. Hopefully, one of these Dominican kids doesn’t miss out on a chance to go pro because of the 11 minutes of practice they didn’t get in this day.
When baseball is done, they sit on a bench and drink from a mango or something. Why are you reading this? Josh makes sure that Andi knows that he’s in love with her. Andi acts a lot less excited than she acted when Nick V. told her he loves her. I would guess, at this point, Josh is going home tonight, but I’ve been guessing that for weeks.
They eat dinner on TV. As an experienced Dominican fish eater, I would recommend they skip the fish. Picture a dam trying to hold back a river of green water.
Josh talks about how he’s not cocky or confident. He says this with a ton of confidence and cockiness. They talk about the kind of parents they’d be if they had kids. I think we can all agree that they’d be great parents. I hope they get married and have a kid so ABC can televise the delivery.
There’s more making out. Josh makes moaning noises. I’m uncomfortable. Andi doesn’t seem completely comfortable. She’s at the point where she needs to invite him to the Fantasy Suite and the music changes. Something dramatic is about to happen. She’s about to dump him.
She doesn’t dump him. She invites him to the ab grind and Josh happily accepts. Andi and Josh both pretend like they’ll just talk all night. Yeah, right. On their way to the Fantasy Suite, fireworks go off. To pay for the fireworks, the Dominican Republic closed their school. In the Fantasy Suite, they take off their clothes so they can make out in the pool. That’s 10 points for Josh. It’s probably his last 10 points ever.
Chris the farmer gets the last Fantasy Suite date. They ride horses. It’s worth 10 points. Chris talks about Dominican farming. I slip into a coma.
Chris is a farmer, so apparently he’s good at riding horses. I thought that was cowboys. Andi is terrible at riding horses. It’s comical. ABC put cameras on the horses’ neck so we can see what the bottom of their chins look like while they’re riding horses. Andi’s horse freaks out and starts going fast… for a horse. Chris the farmer tries to calm Andi down. It works. She calms down. They ride their horses some more. Keep up!
After horse riding, they get off of their horses so they can sit on a fallen tree and drink water on TV. I’ll bet the Dominic horses smell great. Andi and Chris the farmer talk about Chris’ family. They reminisce about playing hide and seek on Chris’ farm. He suggests they play hide and seek in their Dominican field. They do. We watch it happen. While Andi counts, Chris the farmer scampers away to hide. It’s the least cool anyone has ever looked, and that includes the way I looked when I played air guitar in an air guitar contest at Southside School summer program in South Buffalo. I came in third place playing air guitar for ‘Panama’ by Van Halen. If I found out that anyone had video footage of that contest, I’d kill them to keep it hidden.
After hide and seek, they sit down to eat dinner on TV. They talk about their relationship. The subject of their professional futures comes up. Chris seems less than willing to quit farming to follow Andi around the country. Andi isn’t thrilled about living in Iowa. It seems like it would be a divide in their relationship. I hate to break it to you guys, but their having an actual important conversation. I can’t believe it either. Now I think Chris the farmer is being dumped. That damn Bachelorette music. I’ve been tricked.
Chris the farmer loves Andi and wants to win the game show. Andi cries because she doesn’t want to end up in Iowa. She also doesn’t love Chris the farmer. Chris the farmer is not given a Fantasy Suite invitation. I was wrong again. There’s a half hour left and that will now not even include a real rose ceremony. So, we’re settled in for a half hour of Andi crying about the fact that she has to dump Chris the farmer.
Chris the farmer takes the dumping well. He tells Andi that he appreciates and respects being dumped. There’s more crying. The dumping is successful, but Andi won’t stop talking about it. Chris was just about to get up and leave and we all could have gone on with our miserable lives, but Andi won’t stop dumping Chris the farmer. It keeps happening. There’s so much dumping.
Finally, Chris says, “I should probably go home.” Andi walks him out. She cries and talks some more. She can’t stop telling him why it wouldn’t work. I think we all get it, Andi!
When she’s done talking, they hug. We’re treated to 38 seconds of their microphones rubbing together. Chris leaves. Andi cries more.
Chris sits on a bench to talk to the camera about his heartbreak. He hurts and it shows in his tears. These are his final 5 points. I’ll miss Chris the farmer and his colorful clothes and scarves. You know, I should have been a farmer.
Andi stands by the pool and cries. It’s a really nice pool.
Because this show sucks, ABC makes us sit through a Rose Ceremony. This show has no rules. First, Chris Harrison interviews Andi in a villa or something. Andi is all smiles a short time after compost piling her farmer. Chris Harrison asks Andi if she only dumped Chris the farmer because she didn’t want to live in Iowa. She says that it’s only part of problem. She didn’t seem to have a problem on his lap in the tractor. Boom! High five, you guys.
Andi and Harrison talk about her final two guys. They talk and there’s talking. Andi is happy that her boyfriends love her. It’s a good trait in a boyfriend. To add some semblance of drama to the last ten minutes of the show, the idea that either Josh or Nick will refuse their rose is brought up. Andi worries about this. She says that the last two roses “will definitely be the most two important roses so far.” It’s a profound statement.
At the Rose Ceremony, Josh and Nick V. aren’t aware that Chris the farmer has bought the farm. Bought the farm!!!! Get it?? You guys are jerks. Chris Harrison tells of Chris the farmer’s departure. Actually, he makes Andi tell of the departure. It’s departurey.
In the stupidest moment in television history, Andi asks Nick and Josh if they’d accept their roses. They both say yes. My wife and I run out and get matching ‘They said yes!’ tattoos. I hate this show. As she’s handing out the final rose, Chris Harrison does not interrupt to tell everyone that it’s the final rose. It’s a lost moment. That would have been LOL funny.
There are two more episodes left in the season, the finale and the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. Next week is the Men Tell All episode. There’s going to be a ton of drama. The preview is super dramatic. People will tell all and yell. I can’t even.
See the updated Fantasy League Scoring here. If it’s not updated yet, it will be soon.
Snuggly sitting @ 203 with both bachelors remaining on my team…just where Hummus belongs.
* Yes, that sounded absurd. But my team name is Hummus so you play with the hand you’re dealt.